i'm having really mixed feelings now... while i'm obviously super excited to be flying off in about a day or two's time, i'm feeling so so reluctant to leave my teammates cuz they're the ones who've been keeping me happy for the past week :( i'd never have expected to feel like this but yeah, the range is actually a pretty awesome environment to be in- if you're not there to suffer during training that is

another reason is because (if) i do go for a last training session before i leave on monday, it'll be the last time in a v long while that i'll see my coach :( :( :( :( :( oh screw it it's really like one of the worst things that could actually ever happen to me. how i hope that when i resume training after my holiday i'd still be able to see him @ the range but no, it's not gna happen. i'll admit that he's one of the things that i look forward to seeing everytime i go to the range but its just because he's too damn nice. if you've seen the way he chats with us, how he brings me coffee and offers to share his hor fun, how he's sucha "kid" that loves cola party like mad, maybe you'd understand 1/10 of why this is so damn hard. ugh this sux and it makes me sad just thinking about it :(

i do know that shooting is one thing i'm very familiar with, and to tell the truth, i don't know whether to leave or stay when so many people are leaving. my favourite coach's already leaving, and in year 5 most of them would probably have second ccas so i guess there might not be anything substantial enough to hold me in place in a few years' time

but for now, i really wish time would stop- so that i could enjoy the last few moments before everything has to change again

today was a motherfucking horrible day

i finally realised why people always say that you have nobody but yourself. so what if you have friends; a best friend; a boyfriend; cousins; relatives or parents? none of it matters because you still get disappointed and hurt anyway- to them you might just be something replaceable- something that they can always throw away when something better comes along. how many times have i heard people say to me that "they'll always be there"? who even gives half a damn because it always ends the same fuckg way anyway- where the hell are they when you really need them? same goes for promises. don't make them if you're simply going to break them. having not heard them and harbouring no hope is better then feeling good when you hear them but ending up feeling so screwed when you get disappointed

so yeah, i was fucking disappointed today because i felt so damn fucking patronised. if you want to apologize, at least try sounding like you mean it. knowing that you're not worth their time, knowing that they'd rather do other things than spend time with you, knowing that you're only their last resort, knowing how much they don't appreciate how much you've sacrificed for them because they think they've done more- how much more am i supposed to take? the worst thing is that they don't even realise that they're doing it. fucking hell, why are things that are important to me not worth a single cent to anyone else? god knows how hard i try but no one appreciates it. everyone takes it for granted- all the chasing, the waiting, planning and other bullsh*t just makes me look like a stupid, overeager fool. chasing after people who don't even want me there? that's the feeling i get everytime i do those things. but of course, what difference would it make even if i didn't exist? i'm just not important enough, as people have kindly gone out of their way to show me these past few days

today was the fuckg last straw and i cannot fucking wait to get out of singapore and get away from everything asap. i used to believe that it was possible to find someone who actually understands you but at the end of the day the truth is that no one like that exists. ultimately, the person who cries with you, gets angry with you, feels embarrassed or happy with you is only yourself. until you find someone else who's willing to do that with you regardless of anything else, you only have yourself to fall back on

i just saw the moon... with a rainbow above it!!!!! like omfgz wth srzly man- damn pretty~~ ^^

isn't it weird when you get missed calls from people yet they don't call back and/or say it's nothing? i mean, there has to be something on if they actually bothered calling in the first place right? question is, is not talking really a better option?

I think KL was like sianballz so i didn't take any pictures at all- idk what we even went thr for man. got only a little bit of shopping done so maybe that's why i was so bored lol. i am still bloody bored now because i just remembered that i have training tomorrow. i think i desperately need of a change of environment

-
if y'all don't give half a damn, i don't see why i should either. all that talk about having to meet up with - was practically bullsh*t. i don't get why its always me who has to do the planning and message all of y'all when i don't even get replies. fuck it, like i don't feel patronised enough already because not once has anyone even bothered to say thanks. if you think it's so easy you can go do it yourself cuz i'm like damn fucking tired of always having to organise this kinda shit. it's not that i like doing it- it's just that i think that everyone knows that no one else would be willing to do it. so if you guys aren't interested, you should've just said it in the first place instead of wasting my time and my brain cells. i'm washing my hands off this whole issue so if y'all rlly can't be bothered then screw it cuz i srzly have better things to do anyway

so i ponned training today- my throat was hurting like a bitch. i will die being nagged at tomo for sure but at least jiaolian'll be thr :> and daddy's gna fetch me home tomo hehe no public transport for a day yay!! ^^v
but screw the throat cuz i just made the chocolate cornflake thingies which are yumz- too bad i'm not seeing nana anytime soon hahaha tht pig! i. must. remember. to. call. her. before i leave for my holidays if not i'd feel so weird man :/ (i know you're gloating already)

oh and i so cannot wait to go to KL and korea omg. i'm finally gna get outta singapore plus i totally get to go shopping! but mostly it's just the feeling i get when i'm in the departure hall- idk how to describe it though. and its gna be winterrrr in korea hehehe. ok i should stop daydreaming about this alrdy it's just a few more days and then a week respectively anyway bye~~

sianballz i'm totally not looking forward to training tomorrow. personally i don't think it even helps because it's exactly like 死读-ing- you cram everything in til there's no space left and then nothing goes in anymore. maybe it's because i'm already losing my interest in shooting so that's why i find training exceptionally boring. but srzly, we're just repeating the same freaking things every single day, so _|_ it.

plus how does it feel to have both coaches keep mentioning that you're not coming enough for training? their definition of enough training would be to preferably go down for training 7 days a week. hell yeah, like i'm gna spend 3 hours simply travelling there and back 6 days a week. just because you go for training everyday doesn't necessarily mean that you'll improve, so quit comparing me to someone else because no matter what you say, i'm never gna be like her. ugh it just makes me feel so !@$&%# whenever the coaches start on the fact that "you were better than her last time bla bla bla you should come for training more often bla bla bla". thanks for making me feel so guilty for not going for training even though i'm already bending over backwards by going there 3 times a week. and having hardworking teammates just means that i'll just seem like the slack one. ah hell guess i'll be stuck with that label for life

i think the coaches should quit breathing down my neck. i mean, i think i really suck to begin with, so are people just being polite and patronising when they say i'm a good shooter? and maybe i was, but "was" means that that was in the past. if you look at my standard now, it's totally nothing to be proud of. there are so many better shooters around me so why don't you go pin your hopes on them instead? they'd most probably be more hardworking and talented than me anyway. expectations... i'll never live up to it

i bet that when i step into the range tomorrow, i will get nagged at. for sure. for not going for training on thursday and friday. i still find it unbelievable that she's so... desperate- for the lack of a better word- for me to go for training. she totally asked me to go back at night to train on the off-day, like wtf lol??? if i've already given up on myself, what good will training do me? i think it just drains all my time and energy. fml man i h8 training

you're a hot mess, i'm lovin' it, hell yes

i love my grandma she's so cute ley hahaha. she just gave me $xxx then say half's for christmas and the other half's for me to go gaigai yay~~ ^^v

it's raining now. heavily. but not heavy enough for me. i love the rain, its the best kinda weather there is for me

yesterday was:
zero sleep → stupid range → commonwealth → white sands library → starbucks → more of tampines → tired and grouchy on the way home

the second half of yesterday was occupied by nanapig :> talked at starbucks for around 3 hours hehe then wandered around and ended up sitting and talking again hahaha omg why we both talk so much!! haha yay we r meeting again soon i hope

oh and one week ago i thought i'd actually be super free but no, guess what? i've got training every single day for the next few fucking weeks!!!! waking up at 6.30 and training for 4-5 hours= _|_
i think forcing us to train so much is just being bloody retarded and 不讲道理. now lets say bye to my 12 hours of sleep per day plan :(
screw training x infinity man

omfg 2012 is fucking scary

as in not horror scary but like yes, end-of-the-world scary. shit so many people died man. i sincerely hope that the world does not end like that because it'd really suck max
otherwise, i think its a rlly damn good movie (x infinity) y'all should def. go catch it!!

"The two hardest things in life are saying hello for the first time and goodbye for the last time- especially when goodbye isn't what you want. When you lose someone you love, you never get over it. You just get used to it."



i think about last year's today and it never fails to give me a feeling that i wish i could forget and didn't ever have to go through. one reason why it's hard is because there were so many things left i'd yet to do but you're not even here anymore. i wish you were still here so that i wouldn't have any regrets and so that i could say that i was ready to let you go. i know you're happier where you are but i still miss you all the time. i ♥ you 

"You don't know what goes on in anyone's life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person's life, you're not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can't be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're messing with their entire life."

fucking bastard, seriously fuck you man _|_ thanks for screwing up my whole entire life with just one sentence which wasn't even true to begin with. wtf, like what the hell do you even know about my life to go say tht kinda crap to uncle stanley? "watch out for me" for fuck when i didn't even do half a shit. it's not like you even know anything anyway

why do you always think everything you do doesn't have a consequence? first was zouk, then now this? you don't know the problems you're causing because my parents aren't your parents- they'd believe anything others said about me cuz they'd rather trust others than me. now your one stupid sentence has totally destroyed what's left of their trust in me. i don't think i can even fucking go ball til late in school next time because they won't believe that i'm playing ball. afterall to them i'm so "easily let astray" and "influenced" by others that i might be doing drugs in who knows where for all they know

and i srzly freaking hate it when people twist my words because i hate being accused of something i didn't do. i didn't even tell you anything related to me being involved in bad company or whatsoever, so what the hell is your motherfucking problem?!?!?!!! you should really learn to shut your mouth about things that aren't related to you cuz its both unfair and disappointing for me

sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do the same for them. i didn't tell my parents and uncles anything about your life because i knew they'd judge and say things about you and your family- but i guess that's just me huh? cuz apparently you didn't see the need to extend the same courtesy to me

for fuck's sake man, i even don't know what the fuck family is anymore. is it really something you can trust and rely on? from now on i'll just shut my mouth when i'm with you because i do not and cannot trust my words around you at all. thanks a whole fucking lot for nothing

No one ever said that life would be fair, or that the moments you wanted to last forever would. As you start to realize, people who once said that they cared can stop in an instant and those people who once made you the happiest, are now the ones who make you cry. You realize that kisses don't always mean something and promises can be broken, just as quickly as they are made. You realize that no matter how much you care about someone, it doesn't mean they will care about you

It's crazy right? To love someone who hurts you? No. It's crazier to think that someone who hurts you, loves you

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers. And regardless of how happy they made you in the past, you can't help but wonder what life would be like if your paths never crossed, because you can't keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return

Unlike you, I can't just forget what we had. I can't forget the times we spent together, the times you made me smile. And I won't forget all those empty promises you made. Letting go of something isn't hard, it's what you leave behind that's the hardest part

You can't do this. You can't put one relationship on hold for another. It's like a call waiting... You leave one person on hold long enough, and they are gonna hang up. One day you'll love me, the way I loved you. One day you'll think of me, the way I thought of you. One day you'll cry for me, the way I cried for you. One day you'll want me, but I won't want you. So just remember that you were the one who pushed me away

why am i so fucking stupid????

there's gotta be something wrong with me when everyone else seems to have a never-ending stream of to-dos while for every day that i'm at home i'm stoning in front of the macbook waiting for bedtime to come
life is boring.
life's currently like a cycle that repeats itself- staying out late is sounding so damn appealing now cuz i rlly need to get out of the house and do something other than this!!! even if i go home early there's just a larger possibility of me getting nagged at (annoying) or dying of boredom. but everyone's nowhere to be found anyway, and i'm sure the results are already doing their job of screwing everything up

ah hell but i'm balling tomo so at least that's one day constructively occupied