The Fiction We Live

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 11:10:11 GMT

hi wedding here i come~! ^^

Sun, 03 Jan 2010 12:18:25 GMT

Fuck!! school officially starts tomorrow.
i guess freedom (including that of sleep) is something i'm gna miss for sure :(

it's true that you make your own choices, but i think that most of the time, you're not the only person involved. let's just say that you like this other person- and it's definitely a choice on your part- but if said person chooses to push you away, there's really nothing you can do about it. at most you'd have to choose again to either give up or push on. point is, you made your choice, but more often a time it'd still be the other person that gets to decide the outcome.

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 06:08:32 GMT

heading out for town soon to go meet nana~~

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 18:04:58 GMT

kicked off 2010 by scarfing down so much food/alcohol i think i gained 10kg. but i had fun anyway ☺

...one more private resolution for myself: even if it kills me, i will learn how to _ you. why did i ever stop in the first place? now i just have to start all over again, and god knows how long its gna take me this time. stupid.

LONGEST POST EVER

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:17:34 GMT

guess it's time to bring 2009 to a close in this final post for the year. just be prepared cuz it's going to be freaking long, or you could just skim though the paragraphs and read the ones that you think apply to you- maybe one, maybe none

i've definitely become more grounded now because this year has sort of been like a "stabilizer" for me to permanently figure myself out, so that my personality wouldn't be so erratic. 2009 has actually taught me so much that i wonder why i didn't get any of this earlier. like how i'm no longer that dependent on other people so much so that i'm perfectly fine with things like going home by myself. and the fact that i've actually become too lazy to go out is like ??? man, but it's all good because i seriously spent way less time and money on shopping this year compared to last year

i think i've also realised that i have a totally ap side, the side of me that would rather not see anyone that i know so that i wouldn't have to smile at them. but i don't "ap" or so to speak for no reason cuz it's just that i realised that so many things are superficial this year. for example, hi-bye friends- it gets so tiring for me to keep having to smile/make conversation whenever i see someone i know so i'd much rather pretend i didn't see them

and the fact that my circle of close friends "shrank" doesn't make me cry either, because this year taught me who i could trust and who i couldn't. what's obvious is obvious, like how i know deep down the people who will always love me for who i am and how the people that will stay, will stay. i'm glad that i've cleaned up this aspect in my life, if not it'd really have been a headache for me this year seeing how much my closest friends have helped me

also, i've learnt so much in the span of one year from namely one person- nanapig. i didn't actually think it was possible but being with her has influenced me in so many ways. because of her, i think i've become really neutral, like how i currently am doing that no grudges thing. and thanks to her i've also gotten to know myself and my perspective of things better because it's with her that we always discuss these kinda topics. since i think that there were quite alot of things that would've been hard for me to handle on my own, her being there for me really meant alot. regardless of topic she'd always be there to help me, even if it was with schoolwork or whatever. which is why i feel most comfortable with spamming her with even my most nonsensical of messages- i don't think i've ever felt this comfortable with anyone else. it's funny to think how we never expected to get this close at the start of the year but look at us now ^^

i think it was a rather difficult year for me in terms of emotions, seeing how i feel like i've been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions for the entire year because i had to learn how to repress my feelings- the same way i'm doing it now. i also had to learn how to live with disappointment- because of more than one event that happened. even my birthday seemed nonexistent to a really important person, which really hurt. i was fine without a present, but the fact that i didn't even get to see you that day? yup, it made me feel like #@!$%&>/?, know that?

so the year started out really great and i was perfectly fine with the way things were. but a few months into the year, that one person that really needed to know how i felt didn't know anything. it was like living on the edge everyday because i constantly had to worry about that person changing his mind. every single day it felt like i had to prepare for something that was coming- just that i didn't know what. so i have no idea whether to feel grateful or not that because i was living like that for those few months, when things finally ended i didn't react in a way that i would've expected. maybe i was let down easier because i already was prepared for something like that beforehand, but nevertheless i'm glad that i can put that feeling behind me now

oh and this year has been a good one because i know i have alot of things to be thankful for ^^
for my macbook, ipod touch and etc, thankyou mom and dad for always spending money on me hehe although i seriously cannot stand your nagging and that is when i become the grumpiest kid on earth

not to forget, thank you hypermates for making this year's birthday a really sweet and unforgettable one for me- it was such a surprise to a person that doesn't easily get surprised so yes, i love you guys :> and to nana for doing something that you don't usually do- giving birthday presents- you know that i love you ten million times too!

man wasn't made to follow rules so i guess i'll just have some more reasonable resolutions for 2010:
1) control my temper. hahaha i seriously have an issue with this. sorry to all the people that i got pissed off at i still love you guys so be forgiving ok? ^^ they say my emotions show on my face and its so true but don't worry i'll most prolly forget everything the next day so... hehe ^^

2) stop procrastinating and be more hardworking. hopefully i'll be able to keep this promise to myself and my parents because it is of utmost importance next year man. cross my heart and hope to die

-
omg this post is damn effing long hahaha but no matter i just hope the things i wrote get through to those few specific people. 2010'll be what we make it out to be, so let's hope it'll be a good one aye?

KILL ME PLEASE

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:23:25 GMT

knn i was supposed to go to town today but ended up being stuck at home because of my super cmi face!!!!!! walao i should just fucking stab myself now!!! plus i don't even know when it'll get better so fuck x1000000!!!!!

what to do sia i'm like alone at home now and i don't have the mood to do work. i don't even feel like cooking my lunch so maybe i should just starve. sianballz why must this happen today of all days when i finally don't feel lazy to go out!!! life sux maxxx

291208

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 04:35:15 GMT

i'm calling out to you yet you don't hear me

to think that it's been an entire year already... what started out as 3 became 0 and then the roles got reversed

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 09:31:59 GMT

finally got around to posting pix from my trip to korea ☺

07-091209: Seoul > Jeju

ginseng chicken!

snow~~~ ^^
korea's weather is freakn awesome

bibimbap! beats sg's version hands down

grumpy >(

icecream in cold weather= shiok siehz

bbq~ i miss korean food like #@!$%&?/!

best green tea icecream ever :>

luvv my small bear!! ^^ too cute alrey~~

10-141209: Jeju > Seoul

(Y)

liger o:

snowball fight haha \m/

madness

freaking amazing eh?

look who looks fat here

YUM YUM x100

korean strawberries are mad awesome

myung dong (Y)

(Y)

this burger is GIANT la (but still super nice hehe)

luv my new shoes :>

i wna go back to korea now!!!!! everything's so nice there- esp during winter where it's snowing :( gah why do we have to go to bangkok for cny man, sianballz max. but its ok cuz there'll def. be a chance to visit korea agn so til then, i'll wait

infinitely yours, seoul ^^

(if the links don't work just click on leave a comment!)

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 16:24:16 GMT

is it possible to even like two people at the same time? it's totally incomprehensible to me because i don't believe in that

every single time that i get closer to believing you just a little bit, to letting you in, i always end up hearing things that remind me why i shouldn't. actions speak louder than words- so do you seriously think it's fun to play around like that? i'm not a bloody freakn backup toy that you use whenever you get bored and then throw to one side when you don't need it anymore. i can't even trust the things you say because the things i see and hear tell me otherwise. i have no idea what game you're playing or what you think you're doing but its not fun for me. at all. you don't know how it feels because you're not the one whose heart feels like its on a rollercoaster ride and who has to constantly try to decode your every move. ugh i don't even know how to continue to express how i feel about this anymore. so bye

empty

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 15:03:54 GMT

the 2/3 days of camping over @ tanjong rhu are over- and as expected, i feel empty all over agn. this year's christmas didn't feel like it at all, seeing how it was minus the drunkenness and something else altogether... the christmas celebration was fun though, and so were the super late nights and mornings where we'd go to the pool and the sauna then to kallang leisure park for lunch after. these few days= fattening. this afternoon was esp. ridiculous when it rained and we ended up walking back home under garbage bags haha so many people were staring. so i rlly don't know why but their just family makes me feel like never going home

and i couldn't possibly intrude once again on their new year celebration so i guess i'll be spending it in front of the tv like last year, except that i'll be alone this time. weird how so many things could change in just the span of a short year but... change is the only constant

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:37:23 GMT

i am fucking going to migrate to korea next time. without anybody else.

MIA

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:13:44 GMT

snow~~

❄

still hibernating... and still wishing that i was back in korea

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:28:13 GMT

... okay i'm feeling really empty again

grr dammit i rlly miss korea like fuck :( reasons why i freakn love tht place to the max is cuz of its weather/food/shops/sights/my f-ckn cute boy :( you will never know how awesome it is until you've actually been there. i wna go back omg i h8 where i am right now it's so damn hot in sg. korea is officially my fav place in the entire world (Y)

i shall go hibernate for the next two days while catching up on sleep + thinking about the past week. i feel emo nemo already. wah srzly fucking sad can?

B for Best

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:36:40 GMT

♥

i totally don't feel like i'm a person about to go on holiday but oh well i guess i am~~
and i'm super glad tht i met the girls + coach (he wanted to surprise me hehe) before i leave l8r- even though it made me so reluctant to leave the range. i'll miss everyone for sure :(

anyway i'll be leaving @ 10+ tonight but i'll be back on the 14th so til then, peace out guys x

737229

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 14:41:47 GMT

"Oh darling understand,
That everything, everything ends"

i'm having really mixed feelings now... while i'm obviously super excited to be flying off in about a day or two's time, i'm feeling so so reluctant to leave my teammates cuz they're the ones who've been keeping me happy for the past week :( i'd never have expected to feel like this but yeah, the range is actually a pretty awesome environment to be in- if you're not there to suffer during training that is

another reason is because (if) i do go for a last training session before i leave on monday, it'll be the last time in a v long while that i'll see my coach :( :( :( :( :( oh screw it it's really like one of the worst things that could actually ever happen to me. how i hope that when i resume training after my holiday i'd still be able to see him @ the range but no, it's not gna happen. i'll admit that he's one of the things that i look forward to seeing everytime i go to the range but its just because he's too damn nice. if you've seen the way he chats with us, how he brings me coffee and offers to share his hor fun, how he's sucha "kid" that loves cola party like mad, maybe you'd understand 1/10 of why this is so damn hard. ugh this sux and it makes me sad just thinking about it :(

i do know that shooting is one thing i'm very familiar with, and to tell the truth, i don't know whether to leave or stay when so many people are leaving. my favourite coach's already leaving, and in year 5 most of them would probably have second ccas so i guess there might not be anything substantial enough to hold me in place in a few years' time

but for now, i really wish time would stop- so that i could enjoy the last few moments before everything has to change again

FML

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:27:39 GMT

today was a motherfucking horrible day

i finally realised why people always say that you have nobody but yourself. so what if you have friends; a best friend; a boyfriend; cousins; relatives or parents? none of it matters because you still get disappointed and hurt anyway- to them you might just be something replaceable- something that they can always throw away when something better comes along. how many times have i heard people say to me that "they'll always be there"? who even gives half a damn because it always ends the same fuckg way anyway- where the hell are they when you really need them? same goes for promises. don't make them if you're simply going to break them. having not heard them and harbouring no hope is better then feeling good when you hear them but ending up feeling so screwed when you get disappointed

so yeah, i was fucking disappointed today because i felt so damn fucking patronised. if you want to apologize, at least try sounding like you mean it. knowing that you're not worth their time, knowing that they'd rather do other things than spend time with you, knowing that you're only their last resort, knowing how much they don't appreciate how much you've sacrificed for them because they think they've done more- how much more am i supposed to take? the worst thing is that they don't even realise that they're doing it. fucking hell, why are things that are important to me not worth a single cent to anyone else? god knows how hard i try but no one appreciates it. everyone takes it for granted- all the chasing, the waiting, planning and other bullsh*t just makes me look like a stupid, overeager fool. chasing after people who don't even want me there? that's the feeling i get everytime i do those things. but of course, what difference would it make even if i didn't exist? i'm just not important enough, as people have kindly gone out of their way to show me these past few days

today was the fuckg last straw and i cannot fucking wait to get out of singapore and get away from everything asap. i used to believe that it was possible to find someone who actually understands you but at the end of the day the truth is that no one like that exists. ultimately, the person who cries with you, gets angry with you, feels embarrassed or happy with you is only yourself. until you find someone else who's willing to do that with you regardless of anything else, you only have yourself to fall back on

!!!!

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 14:58:42 GMT

i just saw the moon... with a rainbow above it!!!!! like omfgz wth srzly man- damn pretty~~ ^^

isn't it weird when you get missed calls from people yet they don't call back and/or say it's nothing? i mean, there has to be something on if they actually bothered calling in the first place right? question is, is not talking really a better option?

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 13:58:21 GMT

I'm back= ☹
But... I'm leaving again next week= ☺

I think KL was like sianballz so i didn't take any pictures at all- idk what we even went thr for man. got only a little bit of shopping done so maybe that's why i was so bored lol. i am still bloody bored now because i just remembered that i have training tomorrow. i think i desperately need of a change of environment

-
if y'all don't give half a damn, i don't see why i should either. all that talk about having to meet up with - was practically bullsh*t. i don't get why its always me who has to do the planning and message all of y'all when i don't even get replies. fuck it, like i don't feel patronised enough already because not once has anyone even bothered to say thanks. if you think it's so easy you can go do it yourself cuz i'm like damn fucking tired of always having to organise this kinda shit. it's not that i like doing it- it's just that i think that everyone knows that no one else would be willing to do it. so if you guys aren't interested, you should've just said it in the first place instead of wasting my time and my brain cells. i'm washing my hands off this whole issue so if y'all rlly can't be bothered then screw it cuz i srzly have better things to do anyway

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 14:25:43 GMT

bah i'm so annoyed i just realised that my entire bookmarks folder disappeared !@$^#?%
but at least i managed to meet nana before i leave for KL tomo hehe if not it'll be so weird man. yeah yeah i need my "medicine" if not "i'll suffer from an asthma attack and mati" or so she says ^^

and bye i so need to go pack now i just realised that i still have a whole lotta stuff to do omg super gg i'll be like some zombie tomo alrdy~~

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:36:36 GMT

☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

my posts r wordy

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:12:27 GMT

so i ponned training today- my throat was hurting like a bitch. i will die being nagged at tomo for sure but at least jiaolian'll be thr :> and daddy's gna fetch me home tomo hehe no public transport for a day yay!! ^^v
but screw the throat cuz i just made the chocolate cornflake thingies which are yumz- too bad i'm not seeing nana anytime soon hahaha tht pig! i. must. remember. to. call. her. before i leave for my holidays if not i'd feel so weird man :/ (i know you're gloating already)

oh and i so cannot wait to go to KL and korea omg. i'm finally gna get outta singapore plus i totally get to go shopping! but mostly it's just the feeling i get when i'm in the departure hall- idk how to describe it though. and its gna be winterrrr in korea hehehe. ok i should stop daydreaming about this alrdy it's just a few more days and then a week respectively anyway bye~~

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:48:54 GMT

sianballz i'm totally not looking forward to training tomorrow. personally i don't think it even helps because it's exactly like 死读-ing- you cram everything in til there's no space left and then nothing goes in anymore. maybe it's because i'm already losing my interest in shooting so that's why i find training exceptionally boring. but srzly, we're just repeating the same freaking things every single day, so _|_ it.

plus how does it feel to have both coaches keep mentioning that you're not coming enough for training? their definition of enough training would be to preferably go down for training 7 days a week. hell yeah, like i'm gna spend 3 hours simply travelling there and back 6 days a week. just because you go for training everyday doesn't necessarily mean that you'll improve, so quit comparing me to someone else because no matter what you say, i'm never gna be like her. ugh it just makes me feel so !@$&%# whenever the coaches start on the fact that "you were better than her last time bla bla bla you should come for training more often bla bla bla". thanks for making me feel so guilty for not going for training even though i'm already bending over backwards by going there 3 times a week. and having hardworking teammates just means that i'll just seem like the slack one. ah hell guess i'll be stuck with that label for life

i think the coaches should quit breathing down my neck. i mean, i think i really suck to begin with, so are people just being polite and patronising when they say i'm a good shooter? and maybe i was, but "was" means that that was in the past. if you look at my standard now, it's totally nothing to be proud of. there are so many better shooters around me so why don't you go pin your hopes on them instead? they'd most probably be more hardworking and talented than me anyway. expectations... i'll never live up to it

i bet that when i step into the range tomorrow, i will get nagged at. for sure. for not going for training on thursday and friday. i still find it unbelievable that she's so... desperate- for the lack of a better word- for me to go for training. she totally asked me to go back at night to train on the off-day, like wtf lol??? if i've already given up on myself, what good will training do me? i think it just drains all my time and energy. fml man i h8 training

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:36:26 GMT

you're a hot mess, i'm lovin' it, hell yes

i love my grandma she's so cute ley hahaha. she just gave me $xxx then say half's for christmas and the other half's for me to go gaigai yay~~ ^^v

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:35:43 GMT

yesterday was mine and char's trip to the science centre- super fun x infinity!!
(++ char's room is comfy to the maxx omg)
body world is a must-go cuz it's freaking amazing and i think i'm gna drag my parents to go there with me next time :>

ok pix nowww:

omg jojo is so damn adorable i srzly ♥♥♥ him! pretty baby ^^

jojo > zouk

i like all these ball thingies cuz they're super fun to watch heh

body world!!

um, ew

so cute sia idk how it even got all the way up thr

^^ so fat!!!!!!

it was pure torture climbing all the way to the top -.-

why all like not v cute uh?

this sweet damn nice but idk whr else got sell

i'm aiming for the zoo/bird park next hahaha yala i no childhood one so long never go thr alrey :/
and me and char might be going out for yummy food next week so yay! she's damn cute man, luvv her :>

overkill

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:51:13 GMT

it's raining now. heavily. but not heavy enough for me. i love the rain, its the best kinda weather there is for me

yesterday was:
zero sleep → stupid range → commonwealth → white sands library → starbucks → more of tampines → tired and grouchy on the way home

the second half of yesterday was occupied by nanapig :> talked at starbucks for around 3 hours hehe then wandered around and ended up sitting and talking again hahaha omg why we both talk so much!! haha yay we r meeting again soon i hope

oh and one week ago i thought i'd actually be super free but no, guess what? i've got training every single day for the next few fucking weeks!!!! waking up at 6.30 and training for 4-5 hours= _|_
i think forcing us to train so much is just being bloody retarded and 不讲道理. now lets say bye to my 12 hours of sleep per day plan :(
screw training x infinity man