hi wedding here i come~! ^^

 
heading out for town soon to go meet nana~~

 

guess it's time to bring 2009 to a close in this final post for the year. just be prepared cuz it's going to be freaking long, or you could just skim though the paragraphs and read the ones that you think apply to you- maybe one, maybe none

i've definitely become more grounded now because this year has sort of been like a "stabilizer" for me to permanently figure myself out, so that my personality wouldn't be so erratic. 2009 has actually taught me so much that i wonder why i didn't get any of this earlier. like how i'm no longer that dependent on other people so much so that i'm perfectly fine with things like going home by myself. and the fact that i've actually become too lazy to go out is like ??? man, but it's all good because i seriously spent way less time and money on shopping this year compared to last year

i think i've also realised that i have a totally ap side, the side of me that would rather not see anyone that i know so that i wouldn't have to smile at them. but i don't "ap" or so to speak for no reason cuz it's just that i realised that so many things are superficial this year. for example, hi-bye friends- it gets so tiring for me to keep having to smile/make conversation whenever i see someone i know so i'd much rather pretend i didn't see them

and the fact that my circle of close friends "shrank" doesn't make me cry either, because this year taught me who i could trust and who i couldn't. what's obvious is obvious, like how i know deep down the people who will always love me for who i am and how the people that will stay, will stay. i'm glad that i've cleaned up this aspect in my life, if not it'd really have been a headache for me this year seeing how much my closest friends have helped me

also, i've learnt so much in the span of one year from namely one person- nanapig. i didn't actually think it was possible but being with her has influenced me in so many ways. because of her, i think i've become really neutral, like how i currently am doing that no grudges thing. and thanks to her i've also gotten to know myself and my perspective of things better because it's with her that we always discuss these kinda topics. since i think that there were quite alot of things that would've been hard for me to handle on my own, her being there for me really meant alot. regardless of topic she'd always be there to help me, even if it was with schoolwork or whatever. which is why i feel most comfortable with spamming her with even my most nonsensical of messages- i don't think i've ever felt this comfortable with anyone else. it's funny to think how we never expected to get this close at the start of the year but look at us now ^^

i think it was a rather difficult year for me in terms of emotions, seeing how i feel like i've been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions for the entire year because i had to learn how to repress my feelings- the same way i'm doing it now. i also had to learn how to live with disappointment- because of more than one event that happened. even my birthday seemed nonexistent to a really important person, which really hurt. i was fine without a present, but the fact that i didn't even get to see you that day? yup, it made me feel like #@!$%&>/?, know that?

so the year started out really great and i was perfectly fine with the way things were. but a few months into the year, that one person that really needed to know how i felt didn't know anything. it was like living on the edge everyday because i constantly had to worry about that person changing his mind. every single day it felt like i had to prepare for something that was coming- just that i didn't know what. so i have no idea whether to feel grateful or not that because i was living like that for those few months, when things finally ended i didn't react in a way that i would've expected. maybe i was let down easier because i already was prepared for something like that beforehand, but nevertheless i'm glad that i can put that feeling behind me now